I guess this blog suffers since I started my Little Crow Collective paper. That seems to take my time and energy so I don’t update as much on here which I don’t like. I love this blog. It’s been a fun way to journal life for me. So this morning seems like a good morning to update. If you were sitting with me this morning, you would probably be alarmed at the vision before you. Heated rice bag around my neck, coffee at my left, yogurt bowl at my right, comfy pjs. Not super motivational I realize. Our office window looks out at the mountains in our front yard and I can see snow coming down the mountains into the valley. It’s quite lovely. It’s been in the 50’s and 60’s the last couple weeks and the other day it got up to 73* in our house with our big front windows streaming sunshine in so I turned off the heat, forgot to turn it back on, and it was 58* in the house this morning when I got up. Not great.

In December we drove down to Carson+Nicolee’s in Vale, Oregon, and spent an evening and night at their house. The next day we drove with them down to California where we spent Christmas with Morgan’s family. I think we have a bit of a schedule now so it was his family this year and next year will be mine. This Christmas in California was special because every single one of the Orville+Valeda Koehn family was out for the Koehn Christmas and it seems so rare for 70?- I can’t remember the exact number- of us to all make it happen to get together. We had such fun getting to know some of the cousins better who’ve gotten married the last few years. In January we had a rewarding set of revivals that seemed to be a real boost for us and Enderby. The first weekend of February Morgan and I flew to Winnipeg for a few days where Nathan+Madi picked us up. We went to a snow maze and Micah+Kandis met us there for the day. We spent a night and day with Tim+Joy at Cartwright for Morgan’s in-service day so he spent it at school and I toured around the area with Joy and Corrinne. We had a lovely time and it was a nice little weekend away bonus. I had a Galentine’s party in March with some girls so that was a nice time if I do say so myself. Our dear friend Cy came from Michgian to visit us in February which was the highlight of our month/year? He and Morgan skied in Revelstoke one day and we spent a lot of time hanging around the fire drinking coffee and catching up. We loved every second! March was Morgan’s spring break so we went to visit my Mom in GardenView. We drove 30 hours straight thru to get there but of course we love road trips so it didn’t seem too bad. We had a lot going: went to Hutch to the salt mine one day since none of us had been there, e-biked around Wichita with Randalls(plus a bunch more stuff with them:) had a big ole softball game and like the best potluck supper I’ve been to in years, had coffee with Melody, ate pizzas at The Hub, went to Roots for coffee with Katherine, visited the Botanical Gardens and rode a carousel and had ice cream with Micahs, Kempers, & Sheryl, and obviously hit up Milkfloat one evening. And we were only there for a few days. Haha it was such a good time- ended with vehicle issues and us limping along to Basin, Wyoming, where our car eventually died and spent time in the shop. We were glad we had at least made it literally to our next stop of Dillon + Renae’s so we spent a couple days with them and my favorite children on earth. A good spring break and I could hardly bear to leave my family behind again.

Now we are heading into the busy season, just like all of you I’m sure:) We are putting on a Bible themed mystery supper with Carlos+Jodi at the end of April, and May begins year end activities: Morgan and I take his grads out for an evening in Kelowna so we need to plan that, his class is going camping one weekend (they do every year), there’s a Grad Night with the parents and grads and us, and the first weekend of June is the year-end so it seems like it’s always a full month! In between it’s branding at the ranch on weekends and the normal weekly things this week like working on tax stuff, coffee with the girls for Ash’s birthday, doctor appointments, laundry, work on BBQ sauce label, met Grandpa Kens for coffee as they were driving through from Alberta. It’s been raining and the lawn needs to be mowed for the first time this year. I’m out of diet coke. Trees are budding and it’s supposed to freeze. Will that stupid mole in our yard ever die? Morgan forgot his lunch. What time am I meeting Sam for coffee tomorrow. Yes- you can see what life is like in my brain.

the infertility stuff and where we are. oof. I wish I could see the path God has for us much more clearly than I feel like we do. Since Christmas there’s been some open doors, a new doctor, new medications, a lot more not feeling well because of the meds, more financial stress because it’s a doctor in the US, but more hope. Infertility sucks. Do you hope? Of course. But five minutes later you test and your hopes that weren’t super high to begin with, are dashed. You’re crying on the phone to your Mom. Another friend is pregnant. Another friend is going to the mission. Another friend is sending her third child to Kindergarten. And you? You’re stuck. You can’t move. You really aren’t even allowed to move. You are in a continuous cycle of tests, planning, worrying, taking deep breaths to calm yourself, researching until 1 am, showing up at church Sunday morning like you haven’t just spent the morning in sadness and questioning everything in your life. Sunday’s are the hardest for me. So you hold the babies. You go to the showers. You take food to the moms. You do everything without ever getting anything in return. That’s selfish of her, i can hear you thinking. Well, it maybe is selfish. I’ve been told that. But it’s the endlessness of it that wears you down. You begin to think that your wedding was your only one big thing. You don’t get a baby shower. You don’t get people showering care on you. You don’t get ladies wanting to visit about your cute child. You get overlooked at church because you’re sitting by a Mom with a baby. You question if you’re unworthy. You get the jobs people with kids can’t do because they have kids. You’re perfect for this, people say when you are cleaning up after something or hosting parties. Yes. I know. But we don’t want to be perfect for this. We want to be the moms sitting in the baby room and talking during church. We want to be the moms planning birthday parties for their kids. And if we can’t do those things, we want to be going to be houseparents or doing some more schooling or really anything but sitting in this storm. You have low self esteem because you’re not like the other ladies, and shame because you eat cake at a party when you should only be eating green vegetables or beef supplements and you know people are watching, and grief that this is your life. Grief that you’ve lost yourself and don’t even know who you are now. Your purpose. Your existence. This probably sounds too depressing. Unrealistic. Well. It’s not. It sounds better here than it is in real life. I pray though. I’m specific in what I want. What do I have to lose? Why not ask for it? It’s okay if I don’t get it. But I feel like God wants me to cry to Him and so I ask for what I desire. I don’t have faith though. I know that about myself. I feel weak alot of the time. I didn’t ask for this. Why me? but reality comes thru. Why not me? and the words, “God hath not promised skies always blue, Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through; God hath not promised sun without rain, Joy without sorrow, peace without pain. But God hath promised strength for the day, Rest for the labor, light for the way, Grace for the trials, help from above, Unfailing sympathy, undying love.” Thank you for your messages and prayers, dear friends. A blessing that there are others who probably wish for too.

xoxo cheyenne linn